I have struggled recently to understand what my heart and mind have been leading me to as a goal or destination. For a while I thought it was about enjoyment of life. Then finding satisfaction with what I have in my life. Then striving for excellence and virtue in the deepest sense. It’s kind of the point of this blog, a personal exploration into what my life and career are to be about. A way to discuss it with myself (although I have been too chicken most of the time to truly be honest on this blog) as I am in the midst of it. It’s interesting writing in this way, because I am writing these things so that I may remember them later. But there is also an acknowledgement that others MIGHT read it as well, even if it is you alone, Sandy. That keeps the tone somewhat odd at times … for me.

Anyway, maybe I’ll come to a different conclusion later, but it seems to me that what the “deeper” parts of me are asking for is Joy. Joy in the “fullness of Joy” sense … that is. Explanation is probably needed.

I believe that Joy is more than happiness, but contains it. I believe that we are, each of us, dual creatures. The body (or physical being) and the soul (or spiritual being). If Joy is to be “full” than it needs to encompass and account for that duality.

I think part of my problem or misunderstanding has been an over-focus on one over the other. This is definitely an area where specialization just doesn’t work. Bodily happiness/enjoyment and spiritual ecstasy/fullfilment/enlightenment must both be present to be truly “Joyful”. I have at times imagined that a lot of material comfort was the answer to my problems and quest for joy. At others, I have held disdain for personal comfort and imagined that only spiritual fulfillment could fill the empty parts of me. While the spiritual side has come closer to making me feel “settled”, it has still felt incomplete.

I also believe Joy has 2 behaviors or processes associated with it … appreciation and fitness. Meaning, sometimes Joy is felt when standing alone on a beach watching a beautiful sunset … in other words appreciating it. But the Joy may “fuller” if I am then standing on that same beach fully present to the sights, sounds and smell while also holding my wife’s hands and having our children there with us appreciating the same thing. In order to get to this “higher” level of Joy, I must be “fit” for it. My body must be healthy enough to truly appreciate the sensory information coming at me. My life must also be “fit” enough that I have qualified to have a wife that loves me, that wants to be on that beach with me … same for my children.

So when I join these two processes … appreciation and fitness … to our dual nature … physical and spiritual … I can begin to formulate a method of “getting there”. I need to slow down and appreciate this life and this world. I need to live my life healthily in all ways … mentally, socially, physically, etc. I also need to develop gratitude for life, or spiritual appreciation in the forms of kindness, compassion, charity, etc. And I need to be spiritually “fit” through prayer, study, service, obedience, etc.

I believe this game, “life”, is intended to be a complete experience, the end goal being the development of a “fullness of Joy”. And again, I don’t simply mean “being happy”. That mindset so often runs to the ridiculous conclusions of hedonism, self-fulfilling arrogancy, and a million other selfish and vain pursuits. But behaviors that run counter to true Joy are bound to bring us only sadness and despair. That is most likely why I find so much frustration in my work situation. I am not obeying the laws of “Joy”. I am going too fast, not appreciating the experience or continuing to spend time in areas that I lack to ability to appreciate. I am not focusing enough energy on keeping myself “fit”, both physically and spiritually so that I might deepen my ability to appreciate and understand. I am not serving enough and thinking about how I might help others with the talents I have.

Just a thought I had that I wanted to get down before I forgot … seems like an important one for me today.